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Emily - God Had A Plan I Could Not See

Emily - God Had A Plan I Could Not See

My journey to motherhood was never a sure one. Looking back now, I can see how the twists and turns in the road led me to my daughter. However, when I was on the path, it was difficult to keep moving forward when the future looked so dim.

I was diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) when I was 25, as an incidental finding.  As the years progressed, I went into Premature Menopause. The links will give you information on each diagnosis, but the short of it is my ovaries stopped working due to a lack of estrogen, which left me with no eggs at 25 years old. The doctors discovered I went into POF at the age of 16. Unfortunately, this was not realized until I was 25 and too late to harvest any eggs I may have had. 

I will never forget the moment the doctor informed me of the diagnosis and explained to me that I would never be able to have a child of my own. Devastated would be an understatement. I couldn’t understand. Why would this happen to me? What had I done wrong to deserve this? Questions I now know the answers to, but in the midst of those moments, I lost all hope.  

The summer after my diagnosis, I was planning to bring a newborn baby boy home through a private adoption! This was the answer, I thought. This baby boy was the reason I couldn’t have my own children, because he needed me to be his mama! My hope was restored during those times. I anxiously awaited the birth of “my baby.” I prepared like all mothers do. The nursery was ready. The car seat/stroller was in the car. Diaper bag packed and ready for the call that it was baby time!

September arrived and I received the call that the baby’s birth mother was in labor and it was time to head to the hospital. I will tell you, that was my baby. Whether I was physically pushing him out of my body or not, in my heart and mind, I was his mother. I had prepared for him. Arriving at the hospital, my excitement and joy was palpable. When I finally held him in my arms for the first time, I thanked God for what gift He had given me. I was a mother.

In the state of Iowa, birth parents have 7 days to change their mind. Baby boy’s mother changed her mind 2 days after delivery. The call from the social worker to not return to the hospital because I was no longer taking my baby home that day was one of the darkest days of my life. My hope was ripped out of my arms, never to return. Driving home with an empty car seat to a house with an empty nursery was gut wrenching. I remember going to the nursery and closing the door. I couldn’t even handle the thought of walking in that room with no baby.

Life can seem cruel. It can present us with situations that we feel we can’t handle. I know I truly believed I wouldn’t make it another day. I thought my broken heart would literally break me to the core. It almost did. 

But then.

But then God had a plan and even though I couldn’t see beyond the darkness, He knew what was in store for me. If only I could just hang on a little longer. I didn’t know it then, but what He was about to do was purely miraculous.

Fast forward 3 years. Those 3 years were rocky. Not years I am very proud of, however, those years got me here today. So as much as I can and do wish they happened differently, I truly believe if one thing would have been different, I may not be a mother today.

My husband and I married in 2016. My diagnosis is limiting, therefore there were only three options for starting a family. 

  • Adoption

  • Surrogacy

  • IVF using an Egg Donor

After weighing all of the options, we decided we wanted to pursue IVF through egg donation. Having our child share my husband’s DNA became one of the major deciding factors, as well as giving me the ability to carry our child through pregnancy.

Our DE {donor egg} IVF journey in its entirety can be found on my blog: https://www.oakbco.com/fertility-journey

We were blessed to get pregnant on our first DE IVF cycle. That alone is a miracle since my body had been in menopause for so long. The day we found out we were pregnant is another moment that is carved into my heart for eternity. The years of pain, guilt, questions, confusion, sorrow, and sadness came flooding out as I looked down at a sheet of paper that showed for the first time in my life, I was pregnant.

This was enough for me. Being able to carry our child was enough for me. Becoming a mother was enough for me. But God knew my heart could use just a little more. He knew my heart needed reassurance that our baby was truly MY baby. Through the wonders of epigenetics and God’s amazing grace, our daughter has my exact blue eyes. 

This is genetically impossible.

“…but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

If you are in the thick of it right now, know you are not alone. I pray that you can feel the community that surely surrounds you as you continue on your journey. When all your hope is lost, look to the One who holds our future. He will bring you through. I am proof of that. 

Whatever journey life takes you on to motherhood, the one thing that will remain, is that you made it. Dirty, messy, crazy, exhausted, barely hanging on… you made it.

Emily Patel from OakB.Co

Emily Patel from OakB.Co

Emily is an ER nurse turned stay-at-home mama to a beautiful & spirited daughter, Penelope, and wife to an ER Physician. Prior to staying home, she was in the ER setting for over ten years, where she met her husband in 2015. In 2018 she started started an Intentional Motherhood blog called OakB.Co with the intention to encourage, help, and energize mothers while giving them tools to lessen their workload, help build an authentic community, and inspire them to realize they are enough. She's a busy mama who pretty much lives on coffee and donuts!
You can find Emily at www.oakbco.com
and on Instagram 

 

 

 

Karla - Comparison is the Thief of Joy

Karla - Comparison is the Thief of Joy

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